A different sort of retreat.

Retreat is a word that can mean a lot of different things to different people. It could be a retreat with the family to the cottage or a silent retreat in solitude and nature. The common underlining theme is connection and getting away from the day to day grind.

In my life I’ve been very fortunate to have access to a lot of nature. Growing up I really explored the world a lot with friends, family and alone. As a family we had a cottage or would go camping a lot. With friends we would bike and drink in nature. Alone I would always feel most at peace in the forest. I was a weird kid, a bit different and just really enjoyed beauty of a forest or lake.

As the years went by I began to feel really lost. Feeling pressure to be a person I wasn’t and resorting to drinking as a crutch. I ended up living in Halifax to try and rediscover myself away from everything I knew. Things from there just got worse. Christmas 2009 I spent alone in a multi day alcohol/substance binge. To the point I check myself into the ER as I felt like I was losing my mind.

Needless to say once my parents figured out what was going on they flew me home. Well I away my friend Jessica was also dealing with a family crisis. Her father passed away from a heart attack. She decided to pay tribute to him by raising funds for the heart and stroke foundation. Her goal wasn’t small she wanted to bike across Canada.

At this point I really had nothing going for me. I worked a dead end job and bounced at a bar. I wasn’t happy with who I was becoming. I decided I would join her on the journey as an opportunity to change who I was.

I began to find a new passion for life. I cleaned up my act a lot, not perfect but more controlled. I began training and raising funds. I felt like I had a purpose to my life again. We gave ourselves 3 months to prepare. Probably not wise, as neither of us were athletes to any degree. I didn’t even own a bike when I first committed. We aimed to leave mid May 2010.

May 16 came and we were off. If anyone has ever done any sort of extreme endurance event you understand the mental is as hard if not harder than the physical. My friend on the first day realized she was not ready yet. Her father’s death was only a few months prior. I had to make a quick life changing decision. I decided to continue on alone. I had nothing to lose and so many people told me I was going to fail. I didn’t want to prove them right. I wanted to at least get to Montreal.

The second day I woke up alone just outside of Enfield Nova Scotia. That’s when reality hit me, when I had to tell my parents I was now alone. That day was an absolute disaster as I really had no idea what I was doing. I ended up getting lost at one point and back tracking 20 km. This was a time before everyone had GPS in their pockets.

After that things were much smoother. My first days off were in Fredericton. I was meeting my boyfriend (at the time) Corey there. I felt great as I just biked just over 400 km fairly easy. I enjoyed a few days of peace and started on my way to Montreal.

Now at this point serious realization set in. I was biking across Canada into head wind. I did know this going in and it wasn’t my decision as I was tagging along. At first I didn’t experience too much wind, but just outside of Grand Falls New Brunswick I experienced pedal downhill due to high winds. After several hours of this I broke down and began crying. I called Corey as he was just a few hours away. I was thinking about quitting, but decided to take the night to make a decision.

I finally made it into Grand Falls. Checking into a hotel than exploring the Grand Falls. Within the town there’s a major damn on the St John River. This creating a sort of valley with a lot of exposed rocks and trees. Really it was one of the most gorgeous places I’ve ever seen. That moment I realized if I gave up and turned around I would never have experienced this. This lesson has becoming a guiding point to my life. No matter how hard things get we must adapt and overcome. With that being said at times we may have to quit because something just isn’t possible or safe. Thankfully this wasn’t one of those times.

With a new sense of confidence I continued on my way to Montreal. The next 2 weeks or so was fairly hard. Although at the same time I was also experiencing a sense of joy and peace I haven’t felt since I was a preteen with my friends exploring the world.

I rolled into Montreal now with 1300 to 1400 km of biking under my belt. That alone is longer than the other two tours I’ve done. Arriving at my late friend Jeff’s place, it was a harder visit. It was the first time I’d seen him with a more sober view point. I realized just how deep his alcoholism was; it made me see the addiction in myself. Although I didn’t drop the bottle at this point I became more mindful of my own use. Jeff was a really solid guy, someone who was always there you regardless of his own issues. Sadly he passed away several years later at a fairly young age.

Onward to Ontario

If you’re not familiar with Ontario it’s a huge province and a major part of the TransCanada highway. I spent 30 days out of my 80 day trip in Ontario. Another point is prior to this I never seen anything west of Sudbury.

Being from Ontario I met up with my Mother, Father and an old friend. My Dad was the last one I saw before I started the long trip to Winnipeg where I was staying with a friend. That’s nearly 1800 km through some of the most remote parts of the Trans Canada highway.

It was here where I really began to transform into a different person. I may have been 24 but looking back I still had the mentality of a kid. I didn’t really understand myself and for years ran away from any opportunity to do so. In Ontario I visited with my oldest friend Brian, my Mother and her partner, then my Father.

A few days after leaving my Dad in North Bay I arrived in Blind River Ontario. I had my first major bike issue, and of course the next closet bike shop was a few hundred km. When I arrived I quickly found out it was the annual dragon boat race weekend. The whole town was a giant celebration. I met a few really nice people and learnt there was a man who had a bike store in his garage. As the night continued I found myself in the local pub. I was talking to a few of the girls in there; I didn’t think anything of it as I’m gay. They were really nice and I was open to them about that. After about an hour or so a very large burly man came over and insisted I shouldn’t be talking to girls from HIS town. Being a mixed race person from a small town I knew exactly what he meant and took off to my hotel room.

A little upset from the incident the night before I wasn’t sure what to expect when I found the bike guy. When I did find him he turned out to be a really amazing human. He found out what I was doing for charity and refused my money. This was a big lesson as I could have easily written the whole town off as racist rednecks because of a few drunken goons the night before. The reality is no matter where you are both nice and shit people exist. No matter what I had to stay open minded. I never want to be the same as the people who’ve mistreated me my whole life, nor do I want to give them the joy of seeing me suffer emotionally.

Terry Fox’s Highway

First and foremost if you’re not aware of whom Terry Fox was. Look him up; very rarely do we

see a person with such strong will and determination to make a positive change. He was cancer survivor who made an attempt in the early 80s to run across Canada on one leg and a prosthetic leg not designed for running. He made it to Thunder Bay Ontario where he had to stop due to health concerns. He died of lung cancer shortly after. They call the last 100 km before Thunder Bay his highway. I call the whole stretch from Sauté St Marie to Thunder Bay his highway.

This part of Canada is known as the Canadian Shield. It’s extremely hilly and rocky. It’s a fairly remote part of Canada with most communities 100 to 200 plus km apart. Just before beginning this stretch met another cyclist going the same way. Robin and I camped together a few different occasions over the next week. She taught me a lot about camping wild. We even snuck into pancake bay and camped right on the coast of Lake Superior. Teachers come in many different forms just always be open to the teachings which are valid.

At times during this stretch I would be alone for a day or two. Camping in places where the next known human was 50 or more km away. On the highway I’d only see cars at time once or twice an hour. Cell phone reception was patchy at best. This was the first time I was going multiple days without a check in. My Mom wasn’t too happy about that.

At this point I’ve become so accustomed to this life. It just became a giant meditation through the forests of Ontario. Finding peace and a sense of purpose and creating ideas of what I wanted to do with my life. Once arriving in Thunder Bay it was the last major spot before the half way point. I couldn’t believe what I did biking over 3000 km alone.

A few days later I made it to Winnipeg to rest. Once I left Winnipeg I entered the hardest part of the journey. People laugh as they see it as flat. Well remember the head wind I mentioned earlier, this was a whole other level. I was also entering what I’d call the Canadian bible belt. This became a concern as I started seeing pro-life and other fear based religious bill boards. This time in my life I most likely identified as an agnostic atheist. So you could say I felt I was in the tigers den.

They say the day you die could be like any other day. Death is unexpected and we never know when it will be our turn. With that being said I clearly didn’t die. What was about to happen though was the most frightening experience of my life, even to this date.

I was just passing Moose jaw Saskatchewan when I saw the black clouds in the far distance. I made the decision at that point I’d stop just outside of the next town and setup my tent. The clouds were far enough away I’d be okay. Well that was not the actual reality, within ten minutes I was hit with a storm. This was not just any storm but a full on prairie storm. Within seconds it was a total down pour and the ditches filled with water. The sound of thunder was like canons. I barely could see five feet in front of me as transport trucks continued to fly by. The wind was so bad it was pushing me back and forth, later I found out a tornado landed just south of me. I thought I was going to die. After the longest 30 minutes of my life thankfully I didn’t.

As sudden as the storm came it ended. A few minutes later I pass a van parked on the side of the highway. A man with his wife and an army of kids stopped me and asked if I need a place to stay. Needless to say I took it as I was shaking still in fear. He gave me his address and brief directions; it was about 30 minutes away.

Now when I met this family I was wearing rain gear. Under that I didn’t have typical cycling clothing on. I was wearing cut off army shorts and a punk t-shirt with tattoos. So as I’m starting to take of my rain gear I ask the man what he did. Turns out he was a Pentecostal pastor. As he started seeing what was under the clothing for a short moment I saw a “what the fuck” look in his eyes. That quickly was gone and he asked if I wanted dinner and offered to dry my clothing. Later I found out this town was home to a bible school.

That night I spent with him and his wife watching a movie and talking about life. He never really brought up god or anything nor made me feel as I was being judged. That changed my prospective I held on to for a very long time. Although I’m sure if we did talk about religion it would of ended bad. He showed me under all that he was just another person doing what he thought was best for him and his family.

After several more days I arrived in Calgary. My cousin came and picked me up to spend some time with him in Edmonton. Little did I know a year later I would be living in Edmonton for a decade. After our visit he drove me back to Calgary and I began my trip again.

When I first saw the Rocky Mountains of Canada I was on my bike. This was a real surreal experience. It felt as if I was biking through a painting. This point marks a significant moment in my life. It started a journey that only recently ended. After seeing that beauty I start to really think deeply about life, god and nature. I wasn’t sure what I believed but I just felt the sense that there was more. This led to a lot of other adventures in a cult, more biking and many other experiences. I may discuss some of that at another point. Regardless my conclusions brought me back to a non-theistic Satanist stance after these 10 to 12 years.

The experience in the mountains was surreal and rewarding after everything I been through. I never dreamed of being able to move myself across the country on a bike. Only that past Christmas I was a wreck on booze and who knows what else. Completing this I really began to realize the power of the self. A few years later I started a career within health and wellness. I was totally off alcohol for many years. Where I sit today is in a totally different spot then that 24 year old who had a dream. A dream many people told me I not was going to complete.

Life is a challenge, nothing comes easy. We can spend our days floating towards nothing, or we can look deep within. What I learnt on this experience is a lot is possible. Often we give up before we even start. The point to this tale isn’t to go bike across the country. It’s to find faith within yourself regardless of what others tell you.